THE NEWER TIMES No.666, APRIL 4, 2040

Guns in the Bag

Semi-automatic guns to be made available for all school-going children as their right to self-defense.

No Country for Poets

The last surviving generation of poets will be publicly beheaded for treason. Tickets sold out immediately.

Big Brother is Watching You

Inspired by the banned novel 1984, governments propose to install cameras in every household that regularly monitors citizens; this is done to strengthen law and order. The social and private lives of the citizens will be scored based on a standard metric. The decision was well-received.

Recreational Credits

It is now mandatory to earn a hundred credits to partake in recreational activities approved by the government. All hobbies considered wasteful will be penalized.

Curb Your Weight

The health commission in several countries has submitted a new idea that is under review. All men who weigh above 150 pounds and women who weigh over 120 pounds must undergo surgery to remove excess fat. This is undertaken to promote health and wellness. Children upon reaching the age of fifteen will be administered for the same.

Dystopia for the Handicapped

All handicapped children, men, and women who can longer add social use-value to the government will be euthanized. Several came forward to volunteer for the Euthanasia program. Weekly camps will be set up to facilitate the quick eradication.

Odds and Ends

Naysayers of government policies were beheaded. Their heads were on exhibit in the museum on the occasion of “World Leadership Day”.

Burn Them All

The ambitious “Burn 10 million books” gathered over a billion online spectators worldwide, resulting in a server crash.

Five Stages of Reviews

All forms of art—literature, movies, plays, music, dance, etc.—will be created by the “cultural committee” which will adhere to guidelines issued by the leaders. The work then produced will be approved under five stages of reviews from individuals set up by the leaders.

Slash and Burn

The last patch of forest in the Amazon to be cleared to pave the way for trillion-dollar palm industries.

Space Programs put up the Shutters

World leaders collectively defund all space programs, deeming it unnecessary. Funds will be redirected to strengthening religious institutes worldwide.

The Last Resort

Public fire rituals held to please the rain gods after rivers and reservoirs dry up. Animals were sacrificed in some areas.

Pro-Plastic Campaign

Thousands took to the streets as a part of the “Bring Back Plastic” campaign, calling climate change as a hoax. Several climate activists were shot dead in broad daylight. Ministers poured praises.

The Lost City

Some cities of the Asian and the European subcontinents have submerged. Hundreds of thousands are either misplaced or dead. The apple-polishers and bootlickers flee the country—calling it the plan of God—leaving the others to their fate.

#darwinwaswrong trends on Ok Boomer

Ok Boomer saw a surge in anti-evolution hashtags. The Statue of Charles Darwin was defiled and taken down. Other statues suffered a similar fate.

Sacrifice Thyself

The largest festival in the world commences. Thousands flock to offer their bodies to God in exchange for salvation. Mass stampede ensues.

Things of the Past

Rhinos and tigers have been declared extinct. Horns and skin will be auctioned off in The Grand Hotel on 10th of April. Several leaders and parliamentary members are expected to grace the event with their presence. This event will be streamed on various social platforms.

Democracy is Dead

With the last democratic leader assassinated for treason and conspiracy against the country, democracy is officially dead. Arrangements for replacement will be carried out in the coming week.

Dear citizens, we hope you’re having a wonderful week. It is our leader’s birthday next week, so it is time for us—his children—to shower him with presents and continue to devote ourselves entirely to his service as we always have. You shall find the address to send in your gifts enclosed at the back of this page. Long live the Leader.

One thought

  1. This satire is of different taste. What impressed me more is the slash and burn of Amazon rainforest for million dollar palm industry which is now the poster child of deforestation.

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